Oh, Sun Sign Astrology, How I Hate Thee

Oh, Sun sign astrology, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways.

First, you are so incredibly dumb. I don't mean you cannot speak. Jeez, I wish you would shut up. No, I mean, wow, are you stupid.

How can you break down the 7 billion people on the planet into 12 categories and try to predict anything at all based on that: "You will meet a tall, dark stranger today. In fact, this could be love. You could wind up married to them."

By "You," you mean approximately one twelfth of the human race. You mean any one of hundreds of millions of people born during a particular month long period during the year that corresponds to the Sun sign in question.

Come on. Be serious. Some of these people are three years old.

Second, wow, you sure drag the name of real astrology through the mud. I get that this is intended to be astrology for the masses. It is intended to make this arcane art more accessible. But it is like turning good quality beer into piss water.

Third, can you say "judgey?" You label things Good and Bad like there is no tomorrow. Wow, what narrow thinking. If we judged life, the universe and everything through your warped world view, we would label day as good, night as bad, summer as good, winter as bad, sunshine as good and rain as bad.

Fourth, the subtleties of synastry seem to escape you entirely. Do you even know that word? Synastry is the complex art of relationship astrology. Boy, do I have news for you: Sun signs alone do not remotely determine compatibility.

Fifth, hello? Have you heard of math? You sound like you haven't.

Real astrology is a highly mathematical practice. In fact, I bought my first trigonometric calculator to cast horoscopes. It drastically reduced the hours spent on just casting each chart. It dropped calculation time down to about an hour from an all day process.

No one I talk to seems to have any idea how much math is involved in real astrology. Thanks, dumbass. I am a mathy person and no one gets it that part of the appeal of astrology for me is that it is a mathy hobby.

Sixth, you have done such a good job of sounding like a dumbass flake that it isn't possible to admit that I believe in astrology without people thinking I am a total fucking loser. I was one of the smart kids in high school. I have years of college. But, thanks to you, admitting to my beliefs is tantamount to telling other intelligent people that I have no fucking clue whatsoever.

Oh, Sun sign astrology, how I hate thee. I hate thee with the burning fury of a thousand Suns. Please, kindly, go fuck yourself.

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