Larger, Interrelated Patterns

So, in bitching about my shitastic weekend yesterday via this blog, part of what I said was:

In my chart, my Venus-Uranus-Pluto quintile describes the sexual abuse I endured as a child. It also describes my diagnosis just before age 36 with atypical Cystic Fibrosis.

Now, that touches on something important that I did not feel fit into yesterday's post and that is the fact that those events, described by the same configuration in my chart, are actually strongly interrelated. The reality is that had I not been sexually abused as a child, I would have died from my genetic disorder instead of getting well.

This is a thing I typically do not talk about because any time I talk about my opinions about my own life experience, someone somewhere will viciously attack me because they imagine I am telling them how they should feel about their own shitty life experiences. So let's get this out of the way up front you deluded people who think everything I say about myself is somehow commentary about you:

I am saying not a goddamn thing here about what you should think or feel about whatever shitty personal experiences you have had. If you are going to see it that way, please stop reading my crap and go the fuck away, geez.

So, getting back to my point: Because I was sexually abused, I spent a lot of time in therapy and I spent a lot of time learning to recognize how completely full of shit people are -- me included. Wow, are we just awesome at believing the lies people tell us and that we tell ourselves.

I mean, we are so enthusiastically ready to agree that water is not wet and abusive people are only hurting us for our own good and LA LA LA NOT LISTENING to the blatant and obvious evidence to the contrary that actual reality throws in our face at every turn, what with water being very much wet and abusive people being incredibly unhelpful and hurtful and yadda. But if these obvious truths are socially uncomfortable, man, time go turn a deaf ear to reality.

And if the person telling us these lies is somehow in a position of authority over us, welp, it must be true and we daren't question it as that would sinfully be questioning their authority. And we just build this wall of lies higher.

The sexual abuse I endured was pretty bad. It was bad enough that I was suicidal for a lot of years and attempted suicide once and was hospitalized twice on a suicide watch.

Thus, long before I was diagnosed with CF, I faced a battle for my life with invisible forces: My own personal demons. This armed me for the battle ahead. It gave me the tools I needed to stand up to another invisible deadly internal foe that other people could not see: The defect in my genes, the infections overrunning my system and the broken medical mental models compounding and entrenching the problem.

It also empowered me to turn a deaf ear to stupid bullshit assertions made by doctors, like "People like you don't get well. Symptom management is the name of the game."

Oh, fuck you, asshole. If you are going to write me off for dead due to the genes I was born with and make zero effort to get me well, shock of shockers when I fucking fail to get well and just languish and die.

Pro tip: That is called self fulfilling prophecy, you callous stupid arrogant egomaniacal prejudiced fucktard.

But this is one of the reasons I love astrology so much: Because the astrological recipe that describes the problem also describes the solution. You just have to figure out how to read it and decipher it.

The Venus-Uranus-Pluto configuration describes the boundary breaking socially unacceptable sexual violence I endured. It also describes the boundary breaking socially unacceptable sexual choices I made to heal myself sexually.

And then it describes the boundary breaking socially unacceptable lifestyle and health choices I made to get physically well instead of politely dying so other people  (cough -- doctors -- cough) can feel like they are smart and they know things. I try to be polite, but I'm not that polite, you sick twisted fuckers.

So, the journey to physical wellness helped me make my peace, genuinely, with these bad things in my childhood. The sexual abuse armed me for the battle and I overcame because I was well armed and well prepared.

In my twenties, well before my diagnosis with CF, some asshole religious nut once tried to tell me that all things in life are a gift from God, even the seemingly bad things. This did not go over well at the time and I still think this fucker had serious issues, worse than my shit.

But...

That is kind of how I feel at this point about those early shitastic experiences: They were a gift from the universe to help me defeat a far worse thing later in life.

And, if I can ever convince the world that I am not actually some fruitcake lying liar that lies who made all this shit up out of some sick twisted need for (overwhelmingly negative so far) attention, then it may yet change medicine as we know it and improve countless lives.

But "this terrible thing that happened to me was a gift from life/god/whatever" is not the sort of thing you should ever tell another living soul about their own shitastic life experiences. That needs to be their own personal hard won conclusion or not at all.

Geez. What is wrong with you people?

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