Random Bitch Session

I fucking hate my life. I have a headache and my eyes feel like they will pop out of my head and I am running out of money and failing to work.

In the grand scheme of things, I am nearly well. Yet, I continue to have periods where I am too sick to work and money continues to be a huge challenge. I don't how the hell I am going to make it to the end of the month. I am about $400 or so short and mostly failing to work.

My student loan should be paid off this summer. That not only should free up some cash flow, it cuts one of my ties go my ex husband.

I am not only too sick to work, I am too sick to do the blogging I want to do. I want to write an interesting piece about that on some other blog, but I am failing to do that even.

The student loan is my student loan and the divorce decree makes it my responsibility, but the loan itself is actually in my ex's name because I was a homemaker. So, the bank won't even talk to me since my name is not on the loan. Long story short: My ex cuts a check to bank and takes that amount out of my alimony before I ever see a dime of it.

I have been celibate for medical reasons for closing in on twelve years, so marriage hasn't exactly been on the table, but that situation has long been an invisible obstacle to potentially remarrying. I would not only lose my alimony if I remarried, I would have had to somehow deal with this Gordian Knot of a loan situation.

So, that will be done soon -- assuming I don't starve to death this month or throw myself into the river before then. I feel like I may die just short of the fucking finish line, which just adds to the feeling that this situation is the universe fucking with my head and generally shitting on me, as usual.

I checked astrological stuff for the month and I am not seeing anything that really makes me hopeful or helps me make sense of the situation.

Days like today make me wonder why I bother with astrology. What fucking use is this shit? There is no magic here to help me find a path forward against impossible odds.

I hate my life. I hate god. He's an asshole. I hate people.

This shouldn't be this fucking hard. Geez.

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