I have showered, put on new clothes, eaten and brushed teeth. In the last hour, muscle stiffness and soreness has begun to set in. This is unexpected.
I am tired and I do not feel great, but I have stopped feeling horrible. More importantly, I am no longer suicidal.
Cystic Fibrosis significantly impacts epithelial cells. This includes skin. I sloughed shocking amounts of skin while showering and also while toweling off afterwards. I often slough skin, but this was pretty extreme. This is apparently why I have felt so grimy and it has been impacting my mood and mental function.
Skin is the largest organ of the human body. People often underestimate its importance.
In some ways, the day went surprisingly smoothly. This is consistent with the trine influence. Some things that went smoothly:
We were up fairly early. I threw up early. The decision to go to a hotel happened early. We got here and got checked in early.
The bus ride down went quickly, in part because it was practically empty. Only two other people got on and off during our long ride
My left shoe had a hole in the sole that I duct taped up a few days back. I told my son to get me replacement shoes if possible. He found awesome shoes that were also surprisingly cheap. He remarked that he considered getting himself a pair. The pair he had bought was too big for me, but fit him well. He needed to go back to the store anyway to get more sodas. I told him to keep the shoes and buy me a pair one size smaller.
My new clothes fit me better and look better than anything I have worn in some months. I am both physically and psychologically comfortable in them.
We got to see some Shrek movie on the TV in the motel. My son tells me it was called "Shrek Forever After." It was a nice movie and hit something of a nerve for me.
There are ways in which I have had support that is basically "magic." I often fail to really appreciate it. I spend too much of my time physically miserable, worried sick about money and I have a metric fuckton of negative social crap going on at any given time.
But there are things in my life that I could not have made this journey without. Extraordinary things, for an extraordinary journey.
By all rights, I should have died a long time ago. Or at best, I should have a miserable existence that makes my current reality look like a party.
I am tired of all this. I don't want to live this way anymore. I hate living this way. It seems so incredibly unfair.
I have no friends. Money is a constant source of stress. No one has any respect for me. There are no easy answers for any of my problems.
Yet, I have done something that "should" be impossible. I have gotten myself healthy when that is supposed to be impossible. I have done it while homeless. At the same time, I have been paying down debt, improving my earning capacity and about a thousand other things that matter to me and to the future I desire.
At the moment, I am feeling grateful to a man I spend a lot of time cussing. I don't know how to express that gratitude and I fear it is unwise to do so at all, for a long list of reasons, including his behavior and the reasons I routinely cuss him.
The parasitic infection I carry is at a new low. I feel almost well. With this change, I feel saner and calmer than I have in a lot of years.
Perhaps more than ever, in fact. I was never actually well. I was always sickly and there were mental health and mood effects because of it.
I don't understand why this man has been so loyal through all this drama. But I do know I could not have made it without him. At the moment, I am feeling he really deserves a sincere, unqualified and unequivocating note of thanks.