I have been repeatedly assured money is coming, but it is not here yet. I have overdrawn my account to feed us today, expecting to get the money today. The latest message is "hopefully tomorrow." And I am worried I will be incurring overdraft charges, which I can't afford, but I don't know what else I could have done.

It is the last day of the month and Astrology Zone does not post new updates until the first or later of the new month. But, I am in luck. Austin Coppock posts them the last day of the previous month. So I can actually read some stuff and try to convince myself that my life isn't coming completely unraveled and imploding at this very minute. June's forecast starts thusly:

June begins with a series of broadly fortunate changes. Venus and Mercury both return home to signs they rule, and the greater benefic, Jupiter, stations direct. The winds here are strong, but favorable.

Oh, goodie. Some good astrological news to latch onto like an opiate and try to salve my inner emotional storm as I watch myself hurtling to my doom. And here I have been anticipating June all month since my ex husband has told me it should be the last payment on my student loan and theoretically I will get a larger share of my alimony this month than I have been getting.

Later, it goes on to say:

June’s first significant alignment is Venus’ conjunction with Uranus in Aries (6/3 12:31 AM PST). Here, heart-centered Venus is struck by a bolt of divine fire, inflaming the passions. This configuration delivers searing insight into relationships and an inability to tolerate emotional bondage of any sort.

Just before conjoining Uranus, Venus nearly trines Saturn (6/1 8:22 AM PST) and reactivates the trine between the two, which colored much of May’s astrology.

Potentially promising. I have a strong Venus-Uranus involvement in my Natal chart and the trine this month was a positive experience for me. On the other hand, this month has been very financially stressful and I believe the Venus-Uranus connection in my chart is related to some pretty negative life experiences, such as the sexual violence I experienced as a child.

To be fair, the connection in my Natal chart also involves Pluto. I think Saturn is generally more of a calming influence on Uranus. Pluto plus Uranus tends to be pretty explosive and dramatic.

I just so thoroughly hate my life at the moment. It is currently impossible to remember that this path is the happy shiny version of my life where unicorns fart rainbows. It was supposed to be vastly worse. My genetic disorder is supposed to be ongoing physical torture while running up insane medical bills and making me too sick to work at all. It should be so much more of a nightmare than it is.

But I am getting well and that is not supposed to be possible. I thought the road would rise up to meet me. I am doing the right thing and it is a hard thing. Where is the support I need?

And this is so insanely hard, mostly due to what I experience as social bullshit. Compared to dealing with people, dealing with infection and repairing my body is basically a breeze. But people are such a huge barrier to me being able to make my life work. They are a barrier in myriad ways.

This is just hugely frustrating, depressing and a terrible head fuck. And I so desperately don't want to endure another minute of it.

I want a fucking shower and a change of clothes so bad, and here I sit worrying that I will be drowning financially because I chose to eat today, like that's a fucking crime.

Don't ever work for god. He's an asshole to the max. He does nothing but shit on his people.

When I was super duper sick, I used to rant at god about how if there was something he wanted me to accomplish in this life, quit hassling me with these idiot doctors and send me a faith healer. I can't get anything done while so sick. I needed to get better if I was ever to accomplish anything.

And after a bit of these rants, I ran into an old internet friend and learned they practiced Reiki (energy work), among other things. She didn't like it when I called her a faith healer. :-)

I have experienced faith healing twice, once from her and once more recently from a different internet friend. I never met either of these people in person. This occurred long distance.

Her attempts to heal me via energy work was something I could feel, but it didn't make a serious difference in my life. She did make a huge difference in my life, introducing me to supplements that helped hugely and new mental models and gifting me hand packed Guaifenesin that contained no dyes or additives.

She was a huge turning point in my health, but not because of performing faith healing. It amusingly reminds me of all the tales of "be careful what you wish for." I got a faith healer who helped me enormously, but faith healing was not how I got better.

I regret it. I wish I had not made this journey. I wish I had simply died when I was so sick. There is nothing good in this world for me. Nothing at all but suffering, contempt and misery.

I did once ask her what she did when she healed people. She was surprised. No one had ever asked her that before. She had to think about it.

After a few minutes, she said something to me like "I look at the pain. I walk around the pain. I talk about the pain."

This was tremendously helpful to me not for medical stuff per se, but for the social and emotional work I do. These things are a foundation of how I have been getting myself physically well, so it isn't irrelevant, but it is less direct. I solve social puzzles and that helps me avoid chemicals, germs, etc.

But it isn't really a skill anyone appreciates or even believes exists. People act like I am higher than a kite and just making up weird crap.

Old puzzle that I have heard: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is to hear it, does it make a sound?

My puzzle would be something more like: If a tree is felled by one woman while people scream at her "LA LA LA NOT LISTENING" and deny its existence, isn't she perhaps better off dead?

What is the point in all the work I have done that the entire world claims is not real? If there is no larger purpose here to benefit the world, why go through this much suffering?

This has been torture and it continues to fail to solve my life, in part because everyone thinks I am crazy. What kind of cruel, horrible asshole is in charge of this shithole of a universe?

I don't care anymore if god has some plan for me. I just want out of this mess and it increasingly looks to me like death is the absolute only hope of escape that I have because other people are such absolute unremitting shitheads to the max.

Don't make bargains with god. They don't appear to be any better than bargains with the devil or some shitastic genie who will intentionally fuck with you over your poor chose of words when you made the wish.

I hate my life so very fucking much. This all seems so hopeless and pointless and gratuitously FUCK YOU.

Excuse the hell out of me for being too competent. I'm sorry. Can I die already, you asshole of a god?

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