Muddy Waters

So, today is the day of that that conjunction I wrote about yesterday. Austin Coppock says the following about it:

While Mercury’s conjunction with the Sun on the 21st serves to clean the waters of the mind, the conjunction with Mars on the 28th points toward all the pollutants ready to dirty them again.
I started the day with $7.61 in resources and some snacks. We used part of that money to buy three 2-liter diet cokes and we did snacks and drinks.

In the evening, with the last $1.89 in available credit on my credit card, my oldest son went to get us one more 2-liter soda. Unfortunately, he is terrible with numbers and ended up spending $1.91.

So, I am concerned that the monies I am expecting on Saturday will be too late and I will end up with an overdraft charge due to my son spending 2 cents too much.

I told him don't worry about it. With my student loan paid off, I should be getting more alimony than usual on Saturday and I also have what is, for me, a decent paycheck this week.

Well, it is a little more complicated than that. My alimony will actually go into my son's account on the 1st as a cash deposit because my ex husband is running into trouble making changes to my usual direct deposit arrangement.

If my ex takes care of it promptly on the first, this is good news for us. With the first and second being on the weekend and the fourth of July being a major holiday, I have often gotten rather burned by my alimony being late in July. A cash deposit on the first will be available immediately on Saturday.

I will be on pins and needles until I actually get the money. But, assuming all goes well, on Saturday I expect to have more money in hand at one time than I have had in a long time.

Of course, some of it will have been pre-spent and my pay day loan will be due within a few days of that. But I hope that with my student loan paid off and my earning capacity generally up that this will be the last pay day loan I will ever need.

I have a lot on my mind and I don't feel clear about the direction of things at the moment. I don't like that. I can cope with almost anything if I have it clear in my mind how I am going to make it through. I don't have that clarity.

In recent weeks, I often have imagery in my mind of a blizzard we drove through as a family once. It seems to be a positive image, but it also speaks of mental static to the point of white out conditions.

The actual events were when we were driving cross country from Washington state to Georgia. My husband was assigned to school there due to a promotion. This promotion basically moved us from middle class to upper middle class. After he was promoted, for a time, we lived in a large house (about 2100 sq. ft.) and had two cars instead of only one.

We actually drove kind of between two terrible blizzards that shut down large parts of that part of the country. My ex spent part of his military career as a professional driver of military vehicles, so he had things like combat driver training. He was an excellent driver, much more so than I was.

Between that and how much I dislike driving, he generally did the majority of driving whenever we went anywhere together. I was the relief driver only when we traveled. I drove for an hour or so to give him a break.

As we drove in white out conditions, the back end of the truck in front of us would periodically suddenly appear, scarily close to our vehicle. We were in real danger of wrecking for quite a while there, yet we did not. He got us safely to a hotel or motel that had a restaurant on the premises, allowing us to get dinner without going back out into the storm again that evening.

The image I have had in my head is of the back end of this truck suddenly appearing in white out conditions. It has haunted me on and off for some weeks.

I don't really know what it means. Our real life adventure worked out. I think the next day we were able to continue on our journey because we were on the only road in the region that was not closed due to the blizzard and my husband's driving skills had gotten us safely to the hotel.

I think the image in my mind is something positive, though I don't really know what. But it also suggests "snow" -- visual static -- and represents my feeling of lack of clarity. My mind is filled with static and I can't think clearly.

The other thing in my mind is a line from a movie. I sometimes hear Mary Elizabeth Mastroantonio saying "A fucking blizzard."

This is a line from the movie "Class Action." She learned that the legal team she was on cheated. They claimed to send their opponent, her father, "a blizzard" of paperwork to hide the smoking gun. But, in reality, they destroyed the file in question. The blizzard of papers was merely a waste of time. There was no evidence to find.

So, she gets information to her father about a witness that can provide a smoking gun. She runs the witness list past her team such that the name goes unnoticed. Her comment about "a fucking blizzard" is admitting to her guilty, cheating team mates how she got the name successfully past them so that justice could be done.

This is part of why I think this blizzard in my mind is something positive. But it means I can't see what's coming and I find that very frustrating. I apparently have some impression of what is coming up in my life pretty routinely and I don't have that right now.

I am flying blind. My radar is essentially useless. I find that fairly stressful.

I am trying to be sanguine about it because the imagery in my head suggests a positive outcome. Beyond that, I just have no idea.

So, when my son spent 2 cent too much, I threw my hands up in the air and said "Whatever. Don't worry about it." I have no sense at all if that will come back to bite us in the ass or not.

Crossing my fingers and hoping it works out okay, somehow.

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